When I boiled it all down to nothing the same damn pot was on my stove.

Collecting Losses

Suddenly you are walking away and your head turns to glance at me over your unfamiliar shoulder
Hands reaching to grasp another, far too far to reach
Words falling short of 4 ears, breathing in nothing, saying nothing
a feeling deep at the pit of my stomach, tearing everything up
Making thoughts so close only hours before in another damn galaxy
Untouchable as you are, what else can I do?
Desperately grasping, nothing nothing nothing.
You are not anyone else, you are you, you are not going to do what they did
To me you have to be different, but those fears, these fears, they are all the same as before.
Suddenly you are walking away, but how could you be walking away when you were never really walking toward me?
My arms and hands too heavy to even lift a needle and thread
Empty promises, empty notebooks, empty lines
I asked myself why, and thought "because you let me"
My mouth kept forming a word that my ears feared to hear,
Every time, tears, but the best kind
Reminding, reminding this is just me.

A Future Memory

Inside a dusky twilight
Dug into/between fraying mountain silhouette
Resting on a faded grey sky
Soon a new night will fall down around you
Wrapped in the heavy scent of wetted pine, you lay
the ground holding your head calm,
fulled up with uncertainty,
your eyes blink heavy.
"It has gone" she whispers,
It has gone, you know.

"I’m a slow mover
I’m the best laid plans
And alone at the end of the day,
I just sit with my head in my hands"

with love wrapped around my head like a crown of clover

the air is cool as it sifts between our houses
soft shadows and flashes of light move along the length of my body and cross my face
Spring whispers in my ear that yes, yes, something is new again
but what it is i don't know.
my skin is alive and my breath is light
a strange hope never hoped before softens my eyes and mouth
freshly green leaves are shaking above the cars that pass like waves
my mind is evaporating into clouds drifting, drifting past
i am reaching out to grasp something that can not be caught,
and so i find myself weightless along with it
my heart is made of dust
everything has taken root except for me
everything is growing into something else
and i am just here to see it and love it and look up, up, up, and then past.

this

inside of this quiet world of wordless thought
i am certain i am the only thing left awake
but the walls creak and they ache as i rest
against the clouds and the air, the night is gliding by
above trees waving, shifting, swaying with their leaves
shining behind the clouds a star spins and disappears
orion leans against a roof and i smile
how blue the dark sky appears against glowing leaves
the wind is a voice as it whispers through these
a police siren moans, the night breaks completely, a phone rings
through a window, a voice speaks "i lay down on the floor..."
a car door opens but i can't hear it close
my blanket hangs loosely and the lamp light pierces it
i stand with my shadow on the wall, which reminds me
the only certainty left is
this is this is this is

i might have drowned but i held my breath and kicked my feet and moved my arms around.

there are days when i am quite certain that my heart is going to fall right out.

lately, days have been going by without me noticing a thing. i lay in bed at night and try to recall a beautiful thing that happened but only the mundane and the usual, the steady tides and the setting suns reveal themselves to me. i can't even remember a beautiful thing that i saw this week, or the past 14 days, or perhaps more. if there is nothing to recall then there is nothing to learn from, nothing to gain, nothing to ramble on about. not so long ago i believed it was only passion and ruination that could inspire me to evolve, but this mediocrity fuels me more than anything else ever has. the more quiet my life becomes the more effort i put into building my escape-boat. the destination it will bring me to is still unknown but the drifting between there and here is the only beautiful thing i desire to see.

can hope ever be separated from fear and doubt?

loer & lower

still and resting tirelessly within the armor her heart has wrought bitterlie
bound and taunted continuall to and by the sea
watching the stars fall and extinguish gentle amongst the waues through which he wades
hidden as she waited for another, adamant, a mistake of groning ghost for loe was made
for whatsoever from one place doth fall is with the tide unto another brought
is there nothing lost that may be found if sought?

without want, with need

i can hear thunder and see lightening spasming through the sky... but where is the rain? there are warm and cool gusts laced between the branches which clutch the swollen and pulsating clouds. down here the ground is dry and exhausted. i am laying in the sand staring up with my mouth gaping. everything is stirring about me, lifting, twirling, aching, surging. i fear it will all pass too soon and i will not taste a single drop. or has it already come to pass?