today i woke in our old room with my arms outstretched & frantically grasping the naked air. you must have been just out of reach or slipping through my fingers the second before (and every moment before and after). my pillow was drenched in involuntary tears, my heart was choking and dry. my mind stumbled over all of the words i should have said that can no longer be heard. today i woke with the burden of many years and days left to live within this infinite stillness.

on some random day in a time without time...

... a star made of nameless gases and nuclear war resting in the middle of some orbit, rose and sunk, expanded and contracted without love or mistakes, and burning hotter than any aching mouth, exploded. its pieces of light and sound sailed through dark and senseless matters without any eyes watching. these pieces (now separated from the parts that made their existence purposeful) occupied new territories and in their presence and within their gravity, pulled other pieces to them becoming more monumental within each countless instant. when some of these quarks and their gluons met, they had felt as if they were made for one another (because they were, and before the explosion had been quite close) and went on to form neutrons, protons, atoms, and laughter.

live or die, laugh or cry.

white hill/grey sky

thin air multiplied in the midst of white coloured hills and sopping wet trees. heavy roofs cracking in the daylight, ice bleeding through their open mouths. cold grey bodies shuffling side by side matching the country side. returning home to comforts that leave me waiting. tending to loose ends that leave me, fading.

my third roommate.

when i first saw her she wore a long black dress as simple as a brush stroke that dragged on the floor behind her. she passed my bed and slipped out the door without a sound. don't know her name or her face and i am not sure i want to. i fear if i come to find out i will only be looking at my own reflection and our names will be the same.

the only thing you've got, you know you're better off without it

late at night or in the earliest morning
i rest my head to the walls that hide your bones
i try to sleep
but your ghost's breath wraps around my neck
as you lay beside her inside the deepest sleep
my mind never leaves
never at ease
though i will bury your silent heart one more time
a hungry dog will dig you up to smother your bright white cold body in sunlight
and you will lay there beside her with your heavy arms forever by your sides
so this and so
in the wake of this
to be a part but apart,
to live a life long left,
to speak for something since passed
beside all of my godlessness, i pray to hear your heart beat one more time

i can feel your fever on the verge of freezing.

something else dreadfully vague

a large oak tree, a barn, and a white house resting atop a snow covered hill, the stars lighting up behind it. blue dark blue.

june 11th

a lace dress, tight through the bodice down to her slender hips with yards and yards of skirt. when she rested her hands at her sides they were hidden by the lace and tulle. it rustled and scratched as she walked barefoot around her room, arranging rearranging, finding things she would have been better off forgetting.

holding flutes of champagne, his shiny black shoes with greased hair to match. the air around them heavy with perfumes and colognes. his grin. a new year.

a letter.

I don’t want to go to Paris. I want to die. Forgive me.

octeor

is staring up, searching for a new wish to ask for on the next meteor,
wishing to not wish for you anymore.
laying down with a recently cold earth in a shallow dampness
deafened by a howling highway,
if only shooting stars were a little less shy.

anticipating oncoming possibilities

it feels as if a lot has happened today. several conclusions have been re-concluded and many sleeping dogs stood up.

having something/someone to look forward to can mutate every tiny bit of your life and change any prognosis.

i dont think i want to do this anymore.

chances are you'll probably feel better if you stayed and played with yourself

oh the past few days have been quite bad, aside from immediate gratifications such as new clothing, and arranging/rearranging everything. no real reason, just a sentimental gravitational change. yes, it is easy to hate the things that don't exist, it is easy to feel nothing towards situations that could or could not happen, it is even easier to love or hate someone you don't know at all. anything is better than rejection, though i have survived it and have come out lacking major injury most times. i suppose there is nothing to be afraid of, nothing to be sad about, nothing really ever worth regretting. this happens then that happens to this which just happens again and again and again. it is all endless and it is all better that way.

i will make an effort to escape these walls tonight. i will make an effort to connect with someone else, and to be less sad for a few hours. perhaps not sad at all.

i think i have been gone all along, no numbers worth mentioning today.