Tuesday, March 23, 2010

drop me in the water

in a mist of mediocrity she had lost her barrings. she had no idea what was up or down because there really wasn't much of either. it was a calming of her mind and heart. during this time she mistook complacency for happiness and she thought the steadying of her heart was a sign of victory over two years of restless torment. she sunk deep into this mediocrity. as she sunk deeper, the brightness of the world dulled and the darkness lightened. she soon found herself in a vibrating grey abyss. one night as she lay silently in the arms of stability and routine, she was caught off guard as she saw the round white moon rising like a tidal wave over her grey horizon.

"i am happy for you," the full moon said, once he had risen high above her and was shining with bright confidence, bleaching her grey world.

she stared at him, bewildered. happy for what? she asked herself as she looked around her, searching for this happiness she thought she had just had beside her. she only found grey clouds. for what is all of this grey blankness? she asked. i am certainly not blank. why have i succumbed to a world where the dull and tamed dwell? why am i wasting my love on loveless things? she became very bored with herself and was appalled by what she had let herself become. she let her heart flood with memories of the many nights her and the moon had spent together. she thought about the awe she had felt when she first saw him singing above the trees. she laughed when she remembered the shadows he had cast beside her as they danced in a snow covered forest. his gravity, his light, his whole suddenly filled her with a completeness she had long forgotten. not only had he given her life beauty and love, but he had also shown her what it meant to be ugly and hateful. she recalled the sadness she used to feel when he would leave her at the end of each night. in his vacancy the sun would rise and give her terrible headaches and annoy her with noise. she blamed him for her pain. she recalled one night when they had an argument about his coming and going so often, after which she had said goodbye to him with an absolute coldness and wished she would never see him again. to her horror he did not come back the next night. in fact he did not come back for weeks, and not even the stars would come to see her during this time. on the 30th day he did indeed come back, but by then she had grown so weary from the pain it took to look up and not see him that she had begun to bury herself in daylight, blinding herself to his memory, and decided she could no longer look for him. she would force herself to sleep before the sun went out, and would not open her eyes again unless she was certain the world was fully illuminated. it was a time of absolute agony which lasted two years. this is when she met mediocrity. she indulged in its lack of highs or lows and dreamed quiet dreams that were filled with colours and numbers and everything else that did not hurt and what did not bring joy.

her grey and timid world suddenly became very small in the wake of her recollections. the arms that were about her felt like the claws of death pulling her down into a grave of empty ignorant blissful dreams. she screamed and tore them from her. the mist came falling and crashing at her feet. after it had all fallen to pieces, still vibrating, she gazed upon the unrecognizable rubble. none of it meant anything to her.

she looked back up at the moon and asked "for what exactly are you happy for? as you can see, i have nothing."

he had already begun his descent toward her now blackened horizon as he frowned and replied "i thought you were happy."

"no, this is not what i want, please, you must understand..."

"but it is what you wanted" he said as he slipped away.

she cried to him "please for the love of god do not leave me alone in this darkness again!" but he was gone.

her eyes filled with regret. she looked down at where the mediocrity had fallen and was amazed to find that it had already taken up residence in a small box in an unreachable corner of her distant memory. she sat down on a shadowless ground and stared at the sky pleading with the stars to please bring him back. soon the sun came out, and she closed her eyes in the hopes of finding him in the darkness of her dreams. she woke up once night returned and waited for him until day came back again. her life consisted only of this for five nights and days without any sign of his return. she thought she would surely die from the pain which had not only been growing at an exponential rate for the past three years, but was still growing inside of each moment that passed. but to her surprise, she did not die. on the sixth night she found him beside her in a reflection mirrored on a puddle of her own tears. she looked up, and as he smiled down on her, she wept with an exploding joy at such a furious rate that a lake formed around her almost immediately, surrounding her with the reflection of his smile.

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